A kick in the can

      I've been meaning to update my blog for a while now but…being a grown up is hard. With school, work, tests, deadlines, rent to pay, and binge watching Dr Who on Netflix, who has time to make blog posts? I'll tell you who…NOBODY. Ain't nobody got time for that.

But tonight, as I was dozing off all comfy in my bed with visions of tomorrow's breakfast dancing in my head (because I'm a fat fat and am always thinking about my next meal), something caught my attention. 

    Fezzywig (my fat, border-line psychotic cat) made an attempt to leap from the top of the bedroom door to my bed. Don't ask me how or why he was sitting on top of the bedroom door…he just was. He likes to sit and stare and be creepy and diabolical... as all cats do. Anyways, he sprung from his creeper stoop into the side of my bed and in his foreshortened haste, he not only let out the longest, most tortured fart I have ever heard, but also grabbed on to the first thing he could find…no, not the sheet. Not the side of the bed. Not even the pillow that was laying RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIM…Nope. He latched on to my buttcrack. But FEAR NOT! He pulled himself up onto the bed and made himself comfy and is getting a good night's rest so that he can return to doing more diabolical cat things tomorrow.

  I spent the next thirty minutes trying to figure out how to calm a resentful (read definition below…it'll make a lot more sense) crack. What do you do? Put lotion on it? I guess I could use that little sample bottle of expensive face cream my sister gave me…its supposed to heal pimples overnight. Surely it could heal the holes in my arse…at least the ones that aren't SUPPOSED to be there. She wanted me to take pictures as a testimony after I used the face cream. HA! Wouldn't that be funny? Bet it'd increase sales.."If it can heal an arse, it can heal your face!" Buuuuttttt, I decided against it.

    So as I laid there too uncomfortable to go back to bed,  basking in the ambiance of the beef stew that is known as "The Fezzy Fart" and trying to figure out what to do about my searing ass-crack, I noticed my computer sitting on the bed stand right next to me and thought…isn't that just like life? We all get comfortable in our daily routines and get stuck going through the motions, putting off all the things we REALLY want to do…and then life grabs us by the arse, makes us uncomfortable, and forces us to change direction. Because Fezzy terrorized the line of longitude smack dab in the center of my keister (the most polite way I could think of saying buttcrack…so polite that I'm not even sure it makes sense),  I was too uncomfortable to go back to bed and forced to find something else to do. Afraid to awaken the Cracken (nickname for the demon cat… pun intended) laying across my feet, I reached for the computer and FINALLY made the time to update my blog. Even if I'm the butt of the joke, and this post wasn't all it was cracked up to be…I still did it. So thank you life for giving me the kick in the can that I needed. I will continue to post on my blog and hopefully give you guys a daily dose of happiness or at the very least, a good laugh at my misfortunes.

   Now I must go soothe an angry arse.

Namaste

Catie *)

re·sent·ful

riˈzentfəl/

adjective

1. 1.

   feeling or expressing bitterness or indignation at having been treated unfairly.

   as in : Catelyn's crack turned bright red in resentment after the demon-cat used it as a safety-net.